


Love with no words

by Aisu_Inoue



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Suicide, Yamada is the mental patient and Keito is the doctor yeah, i changed Misaki's name, mental health yep, my heart cried, slow-paced fic, umm angst?, yabu and his tea yeayyy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 13:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12366438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aisu_Inoue/pseuds/Aisu_Inoue
Summary: They used to be best friends, but they never contacted each other after parting their ways after high schools. They met each other again, but in a different condition, as if their places were switched.





	Love with no words

**Author's Note:**

> To Christina,
> 
> I made this fic for a week, and I'm sorry if its a bit late! I really hope you enjoy reading it as much I enjoy writing it! (I'm sorry too for the way I write,, I am so amateur at writing fics ;~;)
> 
> Andddd, I changed Misaki's name! Um, because I can't put Yamada's real family name if they died in there ;~; My heart can't handle the sadness.
> 
> Btw, 3 people helped me beta'd this fic?? ahahah  
> Special thanks to Bella, Bane and my best friend for helping me with the fic <33
> 
> Alright, that's all! Happy reading!

              Both knees on the floor, the sharp edge of the knife facing his heart, trembling in sorrow, there was sobbing Yamada in the living room, crying his heart out. Soft sobs could be heard from Yamada’s mouth as Keito was standing just a few metres away from him. His hands were shivering, as if he was reluctant and indecisive on what he should do, either to stab his heart with it, or just let it go. Keito’s presence was, as if, were nothing to Yamada, he didn’t even tilt his head towards Keito. He was in his own world.

               Keito screamed his heart out, calling Yamada’s name again while rushing to his side. He could feel the adrenaline rushed in his veins, angry, sad and fear; all in one time. He couldn’t feel his heart anymore as it beat so fast, choking him.  Yamada didn’t seem to care, his grip on the knife tighten, no longer shivers, eyelids closed, tears staining his cheeks. He plunged the knife to his heart without any hesitation. He made up his mind.

“Yamada!” He cried his heart out. Would his steps make it in time? He asked to himself, as he threw his arms to Yamada, trying to push away the knife from plunging into Yamada’s body.

 _Please let him save Yamada, even if this would be his last time_.

**********

“Thank you, doctor!” The petite little boy waved Keito with his small hands. The boy’s mother gave Keito a small nod and curved a warm smile. She released the boy’s hand, and let him run to Keito. The boy’s height was at Keito’s waist, wearing his favourite dark green T-shirt that Keito gave him.

               He approached the little boy and squatted, patting the boy’s head and smiling gently. “You did well! Good luck with your studies, okay?” The boy nodded. A big grin was visible on the boy’s face. “I will!”

“Good boy.” Keito muttered softly. His smile did not leave his face. “Please be well.”

The boy gave him a warm smile; Keito’s favourite thing every time he met with children patients. Their smile always made his day. Hand in hand, both of them left the room right after they said their farewells, leaving the room silent and cold again as it usually was. Keito was finally back to his own world again, where he was just a normal human being that could cry a river whenever something bad hits him, no longer the respected psychotherapist that people always talked about.

He stood up, and took the thick green file on his wooden table, flipping it thoroughly.

_He saved another person again._

He could not stop himself from smiling. Saving a person from their trauma was always his favourite job. Seeing a person stuck with their own trauma hurt his fragile heart. Stuck in their own trauma, unwanted nightmares that came every night, haunting their dreams and reality, he knew the feeling. He knew one cannot simply detach themselves from that world.

It was because he was there, once, and he felt the world despise his existence, leaving him tormented in solitude. No one was there to save him, no one held out their hands to bring him up.

               Being isolated by his classmates was a usual thing for him because he had no parents to go back to, to whine how he was being isolated at school. Even the caretaker that lived with him was already busy with her own children, so he was casted aside.

               Keito flipped through the pages one by one, reading each pages intently while smiling broadly. Reminiscing how the boy was clueless and gone during the first time he met him on the very same room. As if he saw himself in that boy, he tried to approach him with stories and the boy’s interests. He shared so many stories that made the boy to feel in ease, and made him easy to tell him what was bothering his mind. He flipped until the final page, where the boy finally recovered after a few months in session. Seeing the cheerful boy was finally back, he decided to stop the sessions, and made the boy to go to school and get his life back.

He did not want any child to experience things like him, nobody deserves to be there. Helping them was like helping his old-self. The smiles of the patients he cured brought enjoyment to his very soul, saving them was his passion. Being a psychotherapist was the greatest decision that he made so far.

               As he was sitting on the couch and putting the green file back on the table, there was a knock to his room. He gazed to his small wooden English clock on his table; it was　6 in the evening – it was already close hours. Must be the nurse to collect the completed files. “Yes?” he answered, adjusting his position on the couch.

“Doctor, are you free now?” The woman in front of the door asked, unsure if she should enter or not. “Yes, I am. Come on in.” He put the green file on the stacks of the completed files behind him, to clear his table. He did not enjoy the company of files on his table when he met anyone. It was a bother.

               The doorknob was turned, and a woman on her thirties stepped into his room. It was not the nurse. Maybe one of his patients that he used to cure long time ago. She was familiar to Keito, the way she tied her hair to a ponytail, the way she dressed with her favourite long skirt. “Doctor Okamoto.” She called his name, sounds as if she was begging for help. Her big, round eyes displayed worry. “You were Yamada’s best friend when he was in high school right?” she asked in confirmation, making sure she did not meet the wrong person.

               He blinked once, blinked twice, gasping once he recognized the woman in front of him. “You’re Yamada Ryosuke’s older sister, right?” She sighed of relief. Her lips curved a big, beautiful smile, showing her white teeth. “Yeah, I am. I’m glad that I finally met you.” Keito rested his back on his couch. “Please take a seat first.” He gestured to the chair in front of his table. She must be waiting outside when he was in session with the boy since the cup of coffee in her hand had already empty.

               Seeing the seat in front of his table filled, he looked up to her, waiting for her to spill out things that she wanted to tell him.  His focus fully onto her words that formed from her mouth. She stared into Keito’s eyes, ready to tell him what was bothering her.

“You have to help Yamada, Keito.” She finally used his first name, as she usually did 6 years ago. Her voice trembled. “Why? What happened to him?” asked Keito while pulling out his personal notebook and his favourite blue pen, wanting to know more what happened to his best friend, it had been a long time since he last heard about him.

“He was involved in an accident.” She arranged her words carefully, she was a bit reluctant to tell him as she will hurt herself as well. She continued. “But only he survived.”

 _Only him? It must have been hard for him,_ Keito thought.

His right hand wrote the details of the story into his personal notebook, analysing what Yamada may be facing. It was a usual thing for him to note down all the important points that caused the mental illness, to pinpoint where the problem started and how to solve it. “He is having panic attacks here and there, he can’t even listen to any sparks of gas being switched on, or the sound of people cooking, he will start to shiver and having difficulty in breathing.”

“Did he forget the incident if he didn’t listen or see to any elements of fire?” Keito asked in confirmation, listening intently to Chihiro’s answer. She nodded without any hesitation. “Yes, when we asked about the details, he couldn’t remember anything, he only remembers that Rika and Mum had already gone. He didn’t remember how they died.”

“Did he had  any difficulty in sleeping at night?” The writings on the notebook increased once she nodded her head again. “He usually will stare outside the window and stayed there until the morning.”

“Do you give him any depressants?” He wrote down ‘Medications’ in his notebook, and waited for Chihiro’s answer. She shook her head. “He didn’t want to consume any. He said he was fine.”

Keito wrote the last sentence on his notebook before he reached his final conclusion, nodding his head and putting the full stop on his notebook. “I think he is having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Please bring me to him. I’ll try my best to help.”

*******

“ _Ah, I messed up my test again, today.” Yamada grunted while messing up with his hair, walking back home, side by side with Keito. Their houses were near, Yamada could only peek his head outside his room’s window and saw Keito’s house opposite to his, a few blocks away._

_“How did your paper go, genius?” said Yamada half-smiling. They just finished their last paper that day, and it was Maths, Keito’s favourite paper, yet, Yamada’s worst nightmare._

_“Um, it’s kinda okay, I guess?” he answered him calmly, hands still clutching his backpack._

_“You said it was okay? It was so hard, for fuck sake!” Yamada exclaimed unbelievingly. He kept on whining about his Maths paper, that, Keito thought that Yamada would never pass it if he kept on sleeping in class and complaining it was hard._

_A memory struck him in the midst of the conversation he had with Yamada. Keito was silent, drowned by the thoughts of his father when he was a child. None of Yamada’s whines go through him, as if his consciousness was opaque, nothing could go through it when his short-term memory was working._

_Seeing the usual silence treatment that he got from Keito, Yamada stopped talking and stared at him, brows furrowing. He stepped closer to Keito, and shouted to his left ear. “Okamoto Keito!”_

_Surprised, Keito jumped back a little, stopped in his tracks. The memory of his father was gone, his focus only to the person who shouted to his left ear. “What?” He hissed while rubbing his ear. He hated it when Yamada did that whenever he drowned in his thoughts, it hurts but it worked. It did help him to avoid from dwelling upon his past. “You’re in your thoughts again.” Yamada muttered, concerned about his best friend’s mental health. “Are you alright?”_

_“I’m not.” His eyes met with Yamada’s. “I saw it again.”_

_Yamada sighed. His hazel brown hair was already messed up by his own doing. “Let’s take a breather somewhere.” He gazed upon the sky before he finally remembered something. “How can I forgot today?!” He hissed under his breath, annoyed at his own forgetfulness._

_He pulled out his blue flip phone from his pocket and dialled someone. Keito just stood there, watching what Yamada was doing. He was clueless on what to do._

_“Hello, Mum?”_

_Oh, he called his mother, he thought. Maybe he wanted to ask permission before going to the arcade today._

_“No, not arcade. It’s somewhere else.”_

_Eh?_

_“Alright, I’ll be home as soon as I can, okay? Thank you, Mum!” Yamada pushed the ‘end call’ button. Smiling broadly, he glanced over to Keito. “I have a place that I want you to go. Let’s go!”_

_Yamada held his arm tightly and started running through the streets. He did not even let Keito reply anything. “Eh, where are we going?” Keito asked, running along with Yamada in front of him. “It’s a place where I always go when I was a child. You’ll see.” Yamada gasped for air in between his sentence. “I’m sure you’ll like it.”_

_They ran and ran, through streets and shops. Keito saw so many new things throughout the way, there were many places that he had yet to discover. Yamada did not even look back at him, his whole attention was to bring Keito to his special place. Keito’s mind wondered as their steps further away from home. The thought that he will be away from reality for a while eased him. Without him realizing, he smiled broadly as he could feel the wind on his face, Yamada was the one that make the moment even more wonderful._

_Their steps slowed down when they reached a forest at the end of the city. “Did you meditate in here and got some enlightenment in there during your childhood?” Keito giggled. The thought of Yamada being in here and meditate under a tree tickled his heart. It was not usual for someone as Yamada would enter the woods, he thought._

_“Oh, yeah, I’m one of the Buddhas. A very handsome one, don’t you think?” Yamada joked, and giggled along._

_“I’m sure the founder would execute you right away.”_

_“Yeah, yeah. Let’s just go search that place, don’t we?”_

_Keito snickered. “Okay.”_

_Keito followed Yamada’s footstep deep into the forest, taking each step carefully, not to slip and fall. The forest was already dark since it was already night, the path would not be visible for them to see if they didn’t bring their phones earlier. Thank God that their phones can be their torchlights._

_“Yes! I saw it! This way! ” Yamada showed the path on their north and ran while his hands still gripping Keito’s arm. “Calm down, Yamada! It’s not that place is going to run away from you anyway.”_

_“But we will miss the main event for tonight!” The place that Yamada showed was a bit far from where they were standing, but anyone could see the faint lights from the place._

_“Main event? What kind of main event?” His questions were not replied, but instead, he saw the vast scenery of the city he was living, the lights from each of the houses gave out faint lights, shining the city together. They were on a hill, they could see the lights and a beautiful scenery of the whole city by sitting there. Keito was mesmerized the moment he saw the scenery, leaving Yamada curved a big smile of satisfaction, glad that Keito liked that place too. “This place is pretty, right?” Yamada turned his gaze to the city once again, re-activating the memory of his childhood._

_“Did you meditate here?” He joked. Keito could not help himself but to smile. Teasing Yamada was just his favourite thing to do that night._

_“Stop it, Keito. This is not the main thing I brought you here.” Yamada looked over his watch on his wrist. “3 more minutes left.”_

_“What?”_

_“Just wait and sit here.” Yamada patted on the grass beside him, inviting Keito to sit at the edge of the hill with him, legs hanging in the air._

_“Are you sure it is safe to sit there?” Keito was a bit reluctant, heights was one of his weaknesses._

_“Trust me, Keito. I’ve been sitting here since childhood, my fear to heights has already gone thanks for sitting here every night.” He reassured, still patting the empty space beside him._

_“You’ll going to be responsible if I die-“_

_“OH MY GOD, JUST SIT HERE, CAN’T YOU?” Yamada’s voice slightly turned high-pitched, frustrated._

_“Okay, okay.” Keito sat next to him, legs hanging along with Yamada’s at the edge of the hill. He could feel the night breeze hit his face, soothing his heart. The tranquillity of the night made he forget all the bad memories that he had, as if it was lifting his burden away from his small shoulders. Keito closed his eyes to feel it with his heart, enjoying the moment of peace._

_“Keito, look up!” Yamada cried, while pointing his finger to the sky. He opened his eyelids, attention on the scenery of the night sky. There was a shooting star, shining bright briefly before it faded and disappeared into the darkness of the night._

_“It was so pretty.” Keito murmured. It was his first time too, to see the shooting star with his own very eyes._

_“It was.” Yamada curved a warm smile, his gaze was fixed on the sky again, continuing his words. “But it disappeared so quickly.”_

_Keito nodded. “I wish I could see it longer though. It was my first time.”_

_There was a deep silence between them, both in their own thoughts. Before Keito could start saying anything, Yamada broke the silence first. “I always come here just to watch shooting stars.” He clasped his cold hands together, to warm them up._

_“You love watching it?” Keito’s gaze on Yamada’s face, his whole attention on him alone._

_“Yeah, it reminds me of something important.” Yamada’s eyes on Keito’s. “It reminds me how people come and go from our lives, and we need to accept it that everything is impermanent.” He sighed before he continued his words, carefully putting it into words, not to hurt the fragile soul beside him. “Memories are made to make us remember, and learn from the past. It makes us stronger, not weaker.”_

_He returned his gaze on Keito, just to find that he was already crying a river. It was not an unusual thing for Keito to cry that much so Yamada could only smile and hugged Keito’s shoulder. “Don’t cry, you idiot.”_

_“Sorry.” Keito muttered between the sobs._

_“Don’t be.” Yamada closed his eyes and lean his head on Keito’s, comforting him._

_“There will be no answer if you kept on looking back, Keito. Time is too short for you to worry things that already happened. The clock is ticking, and it won’t wait.”_

********

A painful silence filled the room, the sadness were overflowing, occupying the particles of dusts in the air. If Chihiro didn’t say that the apartment’s was Yamada’s, he could never recognize it. Usually the sounds of the Xbox-One being played or the slow curses that Yamada usually uttered under his breath would fill the air, but, it was way too different. A deadly silence was the first thing that greeted him once he stepped into the apartment.

Yamada’s house didn’t change much. As usual, his house would be so clean and well-kept. He could not spot any dust in his apartment, but there was one part of the house that Yamada didn’t clean it up; the kitchen. _He is seriously in a big trouble_ , Keito monologued. He could see the piling garbage beside the kitchen, filled with plastic containers. _At least he ate something_.

               The picture frame on Yamada’s Xbox-One caught his attention. It was a picture of him and Yamada on the day of graduation. They were so happy back then. But, since then, the bond between them started to evaporate, fading away as the time goes. Both were busy with their own life and dreams, no longer long calls, no longer spending the whole night just to play games together. Adulthood changed them.

               Keito finally spotted the very familiar hazel brown hair, sitting by the window, gazing upon the stars. It was already 10pm, he should be heading back home and rest, but he couldn’t just leave Yamada. He was so special for Keito, and he regretted for not contacting Yamada those past 6 years. He could have helped him earlier.

“Yamada.” Keito called out his name. “It’s me, Keito.” He approached Yamada’s back, slowly walking towards him.

“Keito?” His voice was hoarse and weak, it was not as energetic as he used to be. He turned his face towards Keito, smiling weakly. “You’re here.”

               Yamada’s lips were pale, his cheekbones were visible. His eyes were a bit red due to lack of sleep, Keito could cry. He was not the same Yamada that he met 6 years ago. “What have you been doing, Yamada?” Keito asked while getting his seat next to Yamada at the café table by the window. Chihiro was sitting in the living room, giving space for Keito and Yamada to chat with each other.

“Nothing, just staring outside.” Yamada crossed his arms, his attention on the night sky. “Why are you here? It’s already night.” He asked, completely oblivious to Keito’s main objective coming there.

“I came because I was told that you’re not okay.”

Yamada let out a snickering laugh. “Not okay? What do you mean I’m not okay? I’m totally fine here.”

“If you are, why is your kitchen is so dusty? It’s not you to leave the kitchen dusty since you really love to cook. It would have been the cleanest part of the house.” Keito could still remember how Yamada scolded his younger sister for not cleaning the dishes properly, and how a clean freak Yamada was. Keito thought that he would never witness a day where Yamada’s room was not clean, but there he was, observing the day he thought would never come.

Silence.

“Are you really okay, Yamada?”

               It left Yamada speechless, he could no longer change his attention away from Keito. His eyes begged Keito to stop preaching his heart, he didn’t know what to answer to the latter in front of him. His mouth was trying to form words, but none came out. Instead, a high-pitched voice greeted Keito’s ears. His frustration towards his own deficiency drifted to anger and shouts.

“Shut up! Shut your damn mouth up!” Yamada raged. “If I said I’m okay, I AM OKAY!”

Keito had never witness Yamada’s rage for the rest of his life, and seeing him angry was like opening a new chapter of his notebook, making his conclusion even stronger.

“Okay then, if you are really okay, clean your kitchen, at the very least.” Keito’s stared into Yamada’s eyes, it was full with meaning, deep and serious.

Knowing that Keito would ask him to do that, he stepped towards the kitchen and grabbed the old cloth that he always used to clean the kitchen. Yamada’s hands were shivering non-stop, but he kept on moving just to make sure Keito won’t see it.

               Keito watched over his actions intently, observing every single detail that Yamada portrayed. He knew why Yamada left the stove as the last part, why his hands shivered when he was cleaning the kitchen. He could see Yamada tried to put the old cloth and his hand on the stove right before Yamada curled into a ball on the floor, crying and trembling.

“I can’t do it. I can’t.” Yamada begged. He was finally at his limit.

Keito knew that Yamada would not survive that, but he was just too stubborn to give in. So, he can only sit and watch for how long Yamada would survive suppressing his trauma without having any panic attacks. Keito didn’t like the scene he saw, he hated it, but that was the only way to let Yamada finally admit his weakness.    

Keito rushed to his side, giving him depressants once Yamada’s panic attack syndromes starting to show up. “You did well,” Keito comforted while giving Yamada a glass of water for him to drink. Once he calmed down, Keito dragged Yamada to his bed and covered him with a blanket.  He finally slept, after a moment frowning and furrowing his eyebrows, with Keito sitting by his side. He slept soundly, telling Keito that he was finally having a deep sleep after a few days of sleep deprivation.

               Keito watched over Yamada’s facial features, immersed in his serenity. How he missed seeing Yamada giving him a warm smile every time something bad happened, how he missed being the loser every video game he played with him. Yamada was very energetic and optimistic, unlike the old version of him, pessimistic and weak. Both of them were very different from each other, he didn’t know how Yamada could cope with a person like him.

He picked up the small picture frame on the small table beside the bed,

Deep inside, Keito was glad that some parts of the old Yamada was there inside him, he did not lose himself completely. Staring back at Yamada’s peaceful sleeping face, he made a vow in his heart to be always by Yamada’s side, no matter for how long it would be. He wanted to reply his kindness, and he would be glad if he could bring Yamada’s smile back, even if that was the only thing that he can do.

********

               The smell of the freshly brewed coffee was the most attractive smell to Keito’s nose that morning. He was at Yamada’s apartment again that weekend, to give him a ‘visit’ (that was actually therapy sessions). Thankfully, Yamada was always home, he was given 2 months of holiday from his company, thanks to Chihiro’s persuasive mouth. In his whole life, he had never met any woman that can beat her persuasive mouth, her mouth was her weapon that she could even tame a beast with it. So, asking the boss’s permission for 2 months break was an easy thing for her. Scary. 

Putting that aside, Keito had only one month and a half to make Yamada gain his full recovery, to bring Yamada’s old-self back again.  The time was precisely enough for him, but he won’t have any time if he did any mistake along the way. He had to do all the therapy properly, so Yamada would get himself back in a short amount of time.

               He glanced over to Yamada that was still sleeping in his room, covered by the warmth of the thick white blanket. Keito just let him had his beautiful sleep, and proceed on stepping to the couch in the living room. At least, before Yamada woke up, he had some time to relax himself. It was tough since he was constantly pilled with work those last past weeks, he didn’t have enough time to even drink his favourite coffee and relax as he usually do the first thing in the morning.

He was new to the place, yet he already treated it as his home. He couldn’t help it though; he was rushing here every weekend morning and night on weekdays just to make sure Yamada would get his therapy every day.

               Once seated, he sipped the coffee and savoured the coffee’s bitterness in his mouth, back resting against the soft fabric of the couch. He closed his eyes briefly, before opening them back again. How relaxing. The flavour of the coffee always helped him to ease his mind, he would drink it every time he felt sore or stressed, instead of consuming alcohol. Not that he disliked it, but he preferred coffee better. Caffeine always started up his day.

               He turned his gaze back to Yamada’s room once he heard the sound of the blankets were turned over. The figure of Yamada that was still wearing his white T-shirt and sweatpants, wiping his eyes greeted Keito. He seemed like he was not having enough sleep. “Morning, Keito.”He greeted, yawning. Yamada’s morning voice resonated in the room, as the sign that the day was going to start.

“Morning, Yamada. How was your sleep?”

Yamada stepped to the café table beside the window and pour the coffee into the white cup that Keito already prepared for him. “It’s better. At least I could sleep a few hours?” said Yamada while sitting on the couch beside Keito, switching on the television. “I couldn’t sleep at all before.”

For 10 years bond that they had, Yamada was not afraid of telling him his real feelings, knowing that Keito would always respect it and never judged him for it.

“Why can’t you sleep? Nightmares?” asked Keito as he put the cup on the big wooden table in front of them, his eyes on Yamada once the cup was safely placed on the table. Yamada nodded, eyes fixed on the television while sipping the hot cup of coffee in his hands. His still had his bed hair, but at least it was not as messy as Keito’s hair right after he woke up from bed. “But I couldn’t remember anything once I woke up. It’s just, I don’t feel very well and I don’t want to sleep anymore.” He took another sip once he found his voice shook, just to cover it up. Hoping Keito wouldn’t notice it.

               Keito’s eyes were on the TV but his mind where elsewhere, finding a way how to re-activate Yamada’s memory as quickly as possible. They had just short amount of time, they need to be quick. A memory suddenly popped out in his mind, recalling what Chihiro had already told him and clicked his tongue, he finally found a way.

“Yamada?”

“Hmm?”

“Let’s go to your father’s grave.” Keito blurted out.

Yamada switched off the television quickly, looked over to Keito, surprised. “This is sudden,” Yamada placed the empty cup on the table once the cup was empty, questioning why Keito wanted to go this father’s grave all of a sudden. “Why, though?” he asked, it was an unusual thing for Keito to do since Yamada knew that Keito never enjoyed preaching about his family life. It was sensitive for both of them to reveal each other’s dark past, so they preferred not to talk about it at all, as if it never happened. Both of them naturally agreed without saying any words, that they won’t say anything about their past, and Yamada was thankful to Keito for it.

“It’s for your own sake.” Keito grunted, giving Yamada a serious look.

Judging by the way Keito answered his question, Yamada could only sigh because he knew that he had no other choice but to follow.

*****

Yamada didn’t know why Keito really wanted him to go to his father’s cemetery. He lead the way though, even though Keito was the one that asked him to go there. Thankfully the trip by foot and train took only about 1 hour even though it was weekend. They tried using the car, but he didn’t know why, too, he started feeling weird and couldn’t breathe properly. His heart too. It was, as if, his body was avoiding something. Even fire, he couldn’t listen to it, or even seeing it, or he will be like those who were in their verge of death. Weird.

He was walking in a fast pace, Keito followed after his footsteps towards the cemetery after 15 minutes walking from the train station. The cemetery was well-kept, the greenness of the grass was beautiful to Yamada’s eyes, even how the tombs were placed and how clean it was, the scenery pleased Yamada’s eyes. He felt that his father was in a good care, and he felt relieved for it.

He roamed around the cemetery before going to his father’s tomb. The cemetery gave him a sad feeling, reading all the names written on the tombs made him wonder, how did his mother and his younger sister could die? Why did they die? Is it because of him? He couldn’t remember any of it, and it hurt him.

His steps stopped once he reached his father’s tomb, putting fresh tulips in front of it. His father’s name was there, carved on the tomb. The writings slightly faded, as the tomb was there for a long time, and it slowly faded through time.  “I missed him.” Yamada muttered softly to Keito that was standing beside him. “I wonder if he met Mum and Rika there.”

Keito squatted, pulling the unnecessary weeds that grew from beneath the tomb. “I’m sure he meet them there.”

Yamada was silent again, the memories of his father came rushing to his mind, especially the last words that he left for Yamada on his deathbed.

_His father was coughing non-stop, his mother was sitting on the right side of the bed, sobbing. Chihiro and Rika was standing beside their mother, crying along, while Yamada stood on the left side of the bed, watching his father’s life slowly withered away, biting his lips. He couldn’t show his tears, not in front of his family, of course._

_His father tilted his head to Yamada’s direction weakly, his eyes signing Yamada to approach him. He rushed to his father’s side, ears right in front of his father’s mouth as his father could not utter as loud as he was in the past. He was dying._

_“Ryosuke,” his father called his first name, wavering. “… please take care of them for me. Keep them safe.”_

_Yamada inhaled deeply, before answering his father softly, “I will. I promise.”_

_His father curved a faint smile, his right hand gripping Yamada’s left arm weakly, enough to make his tears fell down before he could inhale one more time. He didn’t care if his sisters could see him cry, he didn’t care anymore. The pain in his heart hurts more._

_He couldn’t believe the one that he never thought would leave his life was leaving him forever. If he could just rewind the time and be a child forever, he would. He would repeat it so his father would never leave their side._

_“Thank you for being my son, Ryosuke. I’m happy that I got to see you have grown to be a fine gentleman.” His father uttered weakly, audible enough for him to hear._

_He shook his head, replied him while tears flowing down his cheeks. “No, it was you that have made me like I am. Thank you, Dad. You’re the best father I ever had.”_

_His father was crying too, smiling to him weakly. “I’ll leave them to you.”_

_That was the last sentence, the last chat between them, before the one-tone flat sound came from the machine beside him, deafening his ears. His father’s grip was no longer on his arm, but on the bed, lifeless and limp. He didn’t know what happened after that, the only thing that he could remember was how he was standing far away from the bed, the sobs from his mother got louder, his sisters hugged their mother’s back, calming her down with tears in their eyes._

_His father was finally gone, and he was left with a promise to protect his family._

_As the white cloth covered his father’s corpse, tears flowing down his cheeks, he murmured, “I swear I will protect them, Dad. I promise.”_

               Yamada gripped his shirt, biting his lips as he wanted to suppress his tears in. The tomb in  front of him was not clear anymore. Why did he remember the moment all of a sudden? He usually won’t be affected by that memory, but why now? No – his heart hurt more than he usually did, as if there were something worse that happened, but what was it? Was it related to the death of his mother and younger sister? Was it his fault? Oh, how he wanted to know, but nobody knew what happened to them, even Chihiro.

His father’s tomb in front of him could no longer be seen as a tomb in his eyes, as the tears were filling them, but he can’t cry now. He can’t cry in front of his father. Not now.

As if his plea was heard, an arm wrapped around his shoulders and covered his eyes from seeing the tomb in front of him. It was Keito's.

“You can cry now. Your father won’t see it.”

He could no longer bottle up his tears, and sobbed. His tears were flowing non-stop, a soft sound came out from his mouth. His grief was more than he could bear; it was okay if Keito could see him cry. Only Keito.

********

               The street was packed with people as usual, as it was Friday night, people tend to go out from their shelters and seek attractions in the city. Friday night was considered as a fun night, where people would release their stress and had their good time since the next day would be weekend. Same goes to Keito where he bought two cups of Cappuccino and sipping it while strolling around the street. Coffee equals to Keito. Wait, that sounded wrong.

               He was actually searching for a stall to buy Yamada’s favourite food; Yes, ice-cream. But, it was not just a regular ice-cream that was simply put on the crunchy ice-cream cone, it was a special one, Croissants as its cone. He knew he was getting closer when people around him were eating the ice-cream, his steps hastened. He threw the empty cups in the garbage bin beside the street and rushed to the stall once he saw a very familiar figure of an old man that he met 6 years ago; Mr. Oda. He was surprised that he was still working there despite of his age, bringing back the nostalgic times where he and Yamada would drop there every day before going back home.

“Mr. Oda!” he called out. Mr. Oda didn’t tilt his head towards Keito’s direction, proceeding on closing his stall. Assuming he didn’t hear his cry, Keito ran towards him and called his name again.

Mr. Oda turned his face towards Keito’s direction, he didn’t smile at first, but after recognizing Keito’s face, he curved a broad smile. ”Oh, Keito!”

“The stall is closed already?” Keito asked, hoping the shop was not closed yet. He gave him the most sympathetic look ever, hoping Mr. Oda would give him chance to get one of the ice-cream.

“It is. But I’ll give an exception for you, okay?” Mr. Oda smiled, eyes wrinkled, grabbing the ice-cream scoop and scooped the ice cream from the container where he kept all the ice-creams. “It has been a long time since we last met,” he continued, “you finally grow up as a fine gentleman.”

Keito could feel his cheeks flushed upon listening to the statement. “No, no. Yamada is better.” He giggled.

               As Mr. Oda placed the scoops of vanilla ice-cream on the croissant, (Yamada’s and Keito’s favourite), he raised one of his eyebrow, as if he remembered something. “Oh, where’s Yamada, anyway? I think the last time I met him was last month, where did he go?”

 _Yamada was still visiting the stall?_ He was not surprised though, the stall was just a few blocks away from Yamada’s apartment.

“He was sick this past few weeks. He can’t buy ice-creams anymore for the time being.” Keito half lying. He couldn’t tell anyone about Yamada, it was just one of the psychotherapist’s rule, where the privacy of the patient would be fully protected. “I’m getting this one for him since he is better now.”

“Oh, you don’t want one?” Mr. Oda handed the croissant ice-cream to Keito.

“It’s okay. I already drank 2 cups of Cappuccino before coming here.” He curved a warm smile. ‘I’ll definitely buy it the next visit!”

“Aright then,” he said while packing up all the things into his big van behind the stall. “Consider this as a reunion gift, no need to pay me.”

“Eh, really? Thank you so much, Mr. Oda!” Keito exclaimed happily. “Okay, then. I’ll take my leave. Thank you so much for this. Yamada must be so happy.”

“Don’t forget to say ‘Hello’ to Yamada for me!” shouted Mr. Oda as Keito was already stepping away from the stall, waving him goodbye.

“Alright!”

               The journey to Yamada’s house took him about 10 minutes walking from the stall. The ice-cream in his hand already melted that he had to lick some of it to avoid it from staining his right hand. His steps hastened, nearly running, once Yamada’s apartment was visible in front of eyes. He can’t wait to see Yamada’s reaction upon seeing his favourite ice-cream after a few weeks of not consuming it. His steps towards Yamada’s room felt so long, so he ran, excitedly, and turned the doorknob once the key succeed on opening the door.

“Yamada! I brought-“ Keito cried happily before his words got cut with the sight before him, eyes wide. He stood there in complete shock, the ice-cream that he thought that he was going to give Yamada was no longer in his hand but Keito could care less. Nothing was as dangerous as the sight before his eyes.

               Both knees on the floor, the sharp edge of the knife facing his heart, trembling in sorrow, there was sobbing Yamada in the living room, crying his heart out. Soft sobs could be heard from Yamada’s mouth as Keito was standing just a few metres away from him. His hands were shivering, as if he was reluctant and indecisive on what he should do, either to stab his heart with it, or just let it go. Keito’s presence was, as if, were nothing to Yamada, he didn’t even tilt his head towards Keito. He was in his own world.

               Keito screamed his heart out, calling Yamada’s name again while rushing to his side. He could feel the adrenaline rushed in his veins, angry, sad and fear; all in one time. He couldn’t feel his heart anymore as it beat so fast, choking him.  Yamada didn’t seem to care, his grip on the knife tighten, no longer shivers, eyelids closed, tears staining his cheeks. He plunged the knife to his heart without any hesitation. He made up his mind.

“Yamada!” He cried his heart out. Would his steps make it in time? He asked to himself, as he threw his arms to Yamada, trying to push away the knife from plunging into Yamada’s body.

_Please let him save Yamada, even if this would be his last time._

He closed his eyes as he felt a sharp pain on his right arm, resisting the sting. He huffed when the sharp pain left his body, sound of metal dropped on the floor resonated in his ears signing he succeeded in preventing the knife from reaching Yamada’s body. He opened his eyelids when he heard the man in front of him gasping in terror, speechless.

Keito was relieved Yamada was safe and sound, none of his body were wounded, only Keito’s right arm was bleeding, leaving blood stains on his white coat. But, even though he was relieved for it, he couldn’t help but angry, and worried.

“What are you doing, Yamada?!” He shouted in anger, mixing his worries and fear all in one sentence. He never thought that Yamada would go that far, he thought that everything was fine, but he was wrong all along. He was disappointed, not to Yamada, but to himself. How he couldn’t predict that this thing would happen? He felt so powerless, and it made him in tears. "Let me go!" Yamada shouted, his wrists were held by Keito tightly that he couldn't move an inch. He tried to set it free, but he can't, cheeks red, puffing, disappointed at his own weak self that couldn't go against Keito.

"Are you crazy?!" Keito fumed. It was unusual, he wasn't supposed to get angry, but he couldn't keep it inside. He was worried.

"I AM! Yes, I am..." His shouts weakened, soft sobs escaped from his lips, voice shaking, as if he was telling that  he couldn't do it anymore. He had enough of everything, he just wanted to cry.

“Keito..” Yamada muttered, tears still flowing down his cheeks, both hands gripping Keito’s white coat. His eyes were swollen due to crying for a long period of time. “Keito…” he called his name again. “I saw them, Keito…” His sobs became louder. “I remember everything.”

Keito’s mind couldn’t form anything. It was blank; he didn’t know how he should react. Should he be happy that he finally remembered everything? Or he should be sad that Yamada nearly killed himself because of his doings? His mind became more and more confused and lost when Yamada continued his story. Keito grunted, he hated this, he hated being his old pathetic self at times like this.

“I could hear them calling my name in the fire, I could hear all the screams, but I couldn’t do anything, Keito. I was useless.” He stared into Keito’s eyes, intense and full with yearning, begging him to end the regret in his mind. His grip tightened as his sobs getting louder between the sentences.

_What have I done?_

“Keito, I broke my promise. I couldn’t protect them. What should I do, Keito? What should I do?” he asked Keito again and again, nearly shouting.

_I pushed him too much._

“Keito, I-“

“Shhh, say no more.” Keito cut his words before he could continue, comforting him by embracing him tightly, that he could feel Yamada’s rapid heartbeat on his chest. Telling him that everything was going to be alright.

_I thought I could save him, but I am no more than just a failure._

This time, Yamada couldn’t continue his sentence, and wailed. He let out loud sobs, crying his heart out. Yamada leaned his head on Keito’s shoulder, facing downwards. “I’m a failure, Keito. Dad must be disappointed in me, I failed.”

“He won’t Yamada.” Keito comforted while patting Yamada’s back, letting him cry as much as he would on his shoulders, hoping he would feel better, even though Keito was disappointed at himself. He continued comforting him despite of his messed up mind. At least, he didn’t want Yamada’s mind to be messed up as he was right now. “He knew you tried your best.”

               Keito pulled away from the hug, both hands on Yamada’s shoulder. “Listen to me, killing yourself won’t help. Your father wouldn’t want it too, even if you think you deserve it. Nobody wanted you to go, nobody thinks that you deserve to die.” Keito curved him a warm smile. “No matter how hard it is to bear that pain, don’t ever give up, and fight.” Yamada’s tears already dried, leaving his swollen eyes staring at Keito. “Even if you fall, remember, Chihiro and I are still here to help you up.”

“Thank you,” He mumbled. “I’m sorry.”

“No need.” Keito wrapped his left arm around Yamada’s shoulders, walking to Yamada’s room. “Let’s just sleep first. Calm yourself down.” Yamada followed his footsteps, quietly and obediently. It was not a usual thing for Yamada to follow things that he was instructed to do, he would be complaining all the way or cursed under his breath; but not this time. His current mental health totally made him out of his character.

               Once Yamada climbed on his bed, lying on his back, Keito pulled out a drawer from a table beside Yamada’s bed and took two pills of depressants into his hand. The moment he handed out the pills, Yamada’s eyes widened, sitting on the bed while pulling Keito’s right hand. He just realized that his arm got cut by the knife earlier, and when Yamada pointed that out, it started to sting, as if his brain just processed that the cut should be in pain earlier, and he was not thankful for it.

“Keito, I’m-“

“No, no,” Keito pushed Yamada’s shoulder onto the bed, “I’ll stitch it up later. Don’t worry.”

               Yamada stared into his eyes, blank, and just nodded, closing his eyelids while leaving him a message as he turned on his left, back facing Keito, "Don't forget to stich it up." Keito could only let his lips curled into a half-smile, so many things happened in one day, of course Yamada’s head would be in complete shock and couldn’t process anything in his mind. He just needed a good night sleep, and he would be alright.

Though, everything of that happened were all because of him.

He was a failure, yes, he was. He made a mistake, and it nearly took his precious one away. He shouldn’t force anyone to remember their bad old memories unless they wanted to recall it themselves. When the part of people’s minds that should have never been touched was touched, it could hurt them mentally, and some of them would go until killing themselves as they couldn’t bear with the pain anymore.

He was too overwhelmed by his wish that he wanted to cure Yamada quickly; but he didn’t think about Yamada at all, he was selfish. He thought he already had the experience with just a few years working as a psychotherapist, but it was inadequate. He was exaggerating his own abilities.

Keito nearly killed him with his own feelings.

He cried, beside the sleeping Yamada, whispering his regret, hoping Yamada would forgive for his mistakes, for his selfishness.

“I’m sorry , Yamada. I’m sorry."

********

A nervous sigh escaped his lips, a letter in his hand. He was going to ask for a month break from Yabu; the hospital's owner and also the best psychotherapist there. He already prepared the answers for the questions that Yabu might ask, lined up in his mind. He swear, convincing Yabu was the hardest thing to do in the entire earth. He needed to give the most relevant answer that can convince Yabu on accepting his request. Keito pushed the power button of his handphone, 6.40p.m. It was already closing hours, and Yabu should be in his room, preparing to go back. Staring upon the letter in his hand, he gathered all the courage and knocked the door. "Excuse me, this is Okamoto Keito. I want to talk."

"Come on in." Yabu answered from behind the door, making Keito shivered, nervous that he could even shake the whole building if he touched the wall. He turned the doorknob, steps short. Yabu was sitting on the sofa, sipping a cup of tea.

Upon seeing the nervous Keito entering his room, he patted the seat beside his, curving a warm smile. "Why are you nervous? I don't bite.

 _Yeah, you don't but I may not get my break,_ he thought.

"Oh, no, I'm not. Just a little bit cold here." he blurted.

"Yeah, it is. Sorry, I love this kind of temperature in my room." mumbled Yabu as he scooted to the left to give space for Keito to sit. He didn't mind if Keito sat beside him and talk, rather than talking like a boss and a worker. A friendly talk was better, he hated formality.

Keito sat beside Yabu, sitting as properly as he could. Even though Yabu was hard to convince, but he had this humility that Keito really adore, a person with a generous smile that everyone could fall in love with. He handed the letter to Yabu, heads down. "I think I need a break, Yabu."

Yabu took his letter while sipping some tea, pulling out the letter and scanned the contents in it. "A break for a month? Why so sudden, Keito?"

"I.. made a mistake." Keito muttered slowly, a bit reluctant.

"Mistake? What did you do?" Yabu folded the letter once he finished reading, and slipped it into his pocket. "It must be serious if you suddenly take a break like this. This is unusual."

Yabu understood him perfectly, he couldn't say more. "My best friend nearly killed himself," he gulped, ".. because of me."

Yabu still sipping his cup of tea, pouring it again, the third time. His ears listening intently to Keito's words. "Continue."

"I forced him to remember his trauma, he couldn't bear with it, and he tried to stab himself with a knife." Keito clasped his hand together, nervous. "It was my mistake."

This time, Yabu stopped pouring the tea into his cup and placed it on the table. "I see," Yabu muttered as he sat back on the sofa beside Keito. "Why did you force him?"

"I wanted to cure him quickly."

Silence.

Yabu sighed, hands scratching his head. "I can't deny its your mistake there. You can't cure people quickly." He placed his hand on Keito's shoulder, patting it softly. "But you can make things right again, its not too late." Yabu stood up, stepping to his table, pulling out Keito's letter and placed it there. "You got my permission," He stated, turning his head towards Keito, curving the beautiful smile that Keito always adore.

"Go and save your friend."

Keito couldn't believe his ears. His lips curled a broad smile. "Really?"

Yabu nodded, crossing his arms. "Go, before I change my mind."

Keito bowed his head, "Thank you, Yabu. I'll make things right again," he muttered before he left the room with a smile on his face, determined to save his best friend.

 

*********

 

"Keito, where are we going?" Yamada asked while licking the croissant ice-cream in his hand. Mr. Oda was so happy of seeing Yamada again after a month, and he handed the ice-creams for free again, this time, for both of them. They were already 1km away from the stall, strolling around the city.

"To that place." Keito answered, wiping his hand with tissues. He already finished the ice-cream in a short time since he was hungry. Usually Yamada would finish far earlier than he do, but he didn't have any appetite since his mental health deteriorated.

"What do you mean by 'that'?" Yamada asked again, ice-cream in his hand nearly finished.

"By this." Keito pointed to their right, steps came to a halt. "Do you remember this place?"

Yamada gazed at the familiar sight before him,  half-smiling "Oh! It's this place!" he exclaimed. "How can I forget about this place? I haven't been here since a long time ago."

"Yeah, me too." Keito grabbed Yamada's right hand and smiled. "Let's go."

Yamada nodded, following Keito's steps into the woods that they haven't stepped in since 6 years ago. His ice-cream already finished this time, his steps hastened. He ran once Keito let his arm go, and went to the edge of the hill; his favourite place a long time ago.

"Ah, I missed this place." Yamada closed his eyes, feeling the cold breeze of the night hitting his face softly. How nostalgic.

Keito approached his side and did the same, hands in his pocket.

"Yamada." Keito called him, grabbing both of Yamada's hands and pulled it in front of him. He tapped both Yamada's hands in a same rythm, explaining excitedly, "Starting tomorrow, I'll be doing this therapy with you. This method will make you feel WAYY better. It is called as EMDR and-"

"E- what?"

"EMDR."

Yamada laughed loudly, eyes teary, after it had been a month since his last laugh.

"Wait, why are you laughing?" asked Keito, he didn't think he did any jokes just now.

"You..." he giggled again, before taking a deep breath and continued with a wide smile, "you're always like that. When you got excited with something, you'll tell me with that excited face of yours." He let out a small giggle. "How I missed the good old times."

There was a short silence before Keito replied,

"... And I missed the old you too."

Yamada stunned upon hearing those words from Keito's mouth, he didn't know what to say. His trauma made him as someone else, someone weak. If he used to be the one that leads, it was Keito now, no longer the old him.

"I'm sorry." Yamada blurted out, apologizing. "I'm sorry I troubled you for the way I am-"

"Don't apologize." Keito cut him before he could finish his words. " I should be saying that to you in the past." His eyes fixed on the scenery, he felt guilty enough to look at Yamada in the eye.

"You made me into what I am now, it's my time to return the favour." His words continued, gaze no longer on the scenery but on Yamada's eyes, hoping that Yamada would understand how much he meant to him. "Thank you for being there for me."

Keito's hand trailed Yamada's cheeks, staring into Yamada's orbs, as he saw stars from the sky reflecting upon his eyes. He was too indulged into Yamada's eyes, he didn't notice their distance getting closer, closed his eyelids when their lips touched.

The kiss was long and sweet. Keito couldn't feel his heart anymore, it was beating so fast as their kisses getting more and more passionate, as if they were pouring their entire heart into the kiss, telling each other their unrevealed feelings. Yamada kissed him back, his hands were gripping Keito's shirt as tightly as he could, as if he would never let him go. Keito's lips brushed on Yamada's lips softly, keeping it soft and sweet, his right hand still on Yamada's left cheek.

_He shouldn't be doing this._

Keito was the first one that pulled away, he felt guilty to continue the kiss. He was afraid, afraid of using Yamada due to his weak state, just to fill the emptiness of his heart. Their lips were wet, cheeks flushed, saliva trailing from each other's mouth, gasping for air. Yamada wished the kiss was longer, it hurt him the moment Keito pulled away from the kiss. It hurt him more than he should be, he felt like his heart was going to explode. Yamada wanted to ask him, wanted to say that he meant the world to him, but Keito cut his intentions with just one painful sentence.

"Let's just go back."

**********

It was their fifth time doing the therapy, Keito's hand tapped both of Yamada's hand, the intensity decreasing as the time passed by and after a few minutes, it came to a complete halt.

"You're getting better." Keito muttered, he curved a warm smile as he pulled his hand back, and placed it on his lap.

It was hard for Yamada the first time he completed the therapy, but Keito couldn't do much, it was one of the process. But he was thankful, this time that they did it, Yamada didn't cry or furrow his eyebrows anymore; he was completely calm and steady. He could control his emotions finally.

"This is all thanks to you." Yamada smiled, standing up and sat beside Keito at the sofa next to him. Keito's right hand was still bandaged, resting on the sofa. "Does it still hurt?" Yamada asked while pointing the bandage on his right hand.

"Nah, it's alright now, don't worry." Keito reassured. "Let's go to sleep? It's already late." He pointed to the clock on the wall, showing it was already 11 at night. He was yawning non-stop, and covered his mouth a few times already. 11 was his time to sleep if he was at his own home, but staying with Yamada made him extend the time, or he wouldn't even sleep at all, worried that Yamada would do dangerous things again.

Yamada followed after his steps, it was Keito's routine to accompany him to bed every time he went to sleep. Keito's feet stopped when he reached the door, and Yamada walked past him, entering the room. Yamada turned his back and faced Keito's in front of the room. At first he was just taking a glimpse of Keito's bandage before pulling Keito's right hand, noticing something. "Wait, Keito, your bandage look so old and dirty, let me change it."

Keito watched over the condition of the bandage, it was already a bit yellowish, a few splatters of blood from where the wound was and some of the thread detached from the bandage.

"It's okay, Yamada, just-"

"Did you change the bandage ever, like even once?" Yamada cut his words, staring into Keito's eyes, fuming.

"No."

"Exactly, so let me change it and no complaints." he said while stepping to the bathroom and took out the first aid kit. Keito couldn't say a thing; Yamada was right and he almost forgot that Yamada was a clean freak. He couldn't see anything in a dirty condition or he would freak out.

"Sit here." Yamada patted on the bed, first aid kit was next to his body. "Let me remove the bandage first."

Keito obeyed his words and sat crossed legs, opposite to Yamada. Yamada pulled his right hand and started pulling the bandage slowly. "Blergh, Keito.This bandage is so dirty!" His hands still pulling the bandage off from Keito's arm, "Remember, if you ever wounded like this next time, change the bandage frequently or the wound won't heal quickly." He scolded.

"Alright, doc." Keito joked, half-smiling.

It had been a long time since he last joked with Yamada. How he missed talking to him like this, getting scolded by him like this, he missed everything, everything about Yamada. Seeing Yamada pulling the bandages eased him, he could finally see the spark of old Yamada inside him, the optimistic Yamada, the strong Yamada.

He was engulfed by his own thoughts until he felt something wet on the wound, the liquid was cold against his skin.  It should sting if it was antiseptic, but its not. Once he could fully interpret the sight before him, he was paralyzed.

Yamada was kissing the wound, softly wetting the wound with his own saliva. He couldn't form any words in his head, he was overwhelmed by the kisses that Yamada gave on his wounds, it was driving him crazy. "Yamada, what are you doing?" he mumbled, biting his lower lip, to suppress from any moans escaping his lips.

Yamada didn't answer, his kisses stopped. "I'm sorry, I hurt you." Yamada placed Keito's arm, where the wound was, on his cheeks, staring into Keito's eyes that Keito could not interpret if it was lust or begging of forgiveness. But the only thing that he knew,  he moved forward,  pressed his lips against Yamada's, pushing him on the bed.

Yamada's lips were soft against his lips, he tasted like strawberries, pulling him deep down into the kiss. A longing, yearning for each other's embrace was poured into the kiss, as they kissed again and again, not getting enough. Yamada draped his arms around Keito's shoulder to deepen the kiss, while Keito's right hand caressing with his hair, making him kiss Keito deeper and deeper. Keito bit Yamada's lower lip, begging him to let his tongue explore his mouth, so Yamada let him, and did the same. He made soft breathy noises as the kisses continue, moaning out of pleasure.

Once the intensity slowed down, both pulled away from the kiss, staring into each other's eyes. "I-" Keito wanted to say that he wanted to stop, but his words were stopped by a finger on his lips.

"Say no more, Keito. I need you, I need you to make me forget." Yamada's eyes were full with lust, yearning more of Keito's warmth on his body.

"Make me forget everything."

Keito couldn't hold himself anymore, his body betrayed his mind, his mind wanted him to just stop, but his body needed this. Their body needed the warmth of each other, to fill their hearts with each other's presence.

His kisses started to explore lower parts of Yamada's body, leaving him in complete state of no turning back. As they went deeper into the night, their moans of each other's name, the sound of the bed creaking as Keito pumped Yamada against the bed reverberated around the room.

Keito could remember the sensation of Yamada's legs hugged his waist, to let him go deeper and deeper inside him, sending priceless pleasure to his body.

Their bodies, their feelings, their voices; everything became one.

*******

The morning was cold, sending chills all over Keito's body as he pulled up the blankets to warm his body up. The calming sounds of birds chirping from outside the window, waking him up, eyes staring on the ceiling. Even though it was serene, but not his heart; he could feel it was going to burst out of nervousness. The flashback how his name resonated in his ears, how their feet intertwined with each other, how Yamada nuzzled onto his neck until the morning. Keito couldn't believe his own brain, if last night was true or just a dream that he had.

He glanced to his right, hoping that Yamada was there, but noー it was empty. He sighed, somehow he felt lonely. Waking up alone was just a normal thing for him, but not that morning. It was just, different.

Keito got off from bed, wore the white bathrobe that Yamada already hanged on the chair. The clothes that was supposed to be scattered on the floor from last night, was already gone. Assuming by the sound of washing machine from outside the room, maybe Yamada had already picked up all the clothes and cleaned it up.

He walked to the door, still nervous. What should he react? Calm? Truthful? Blunt? He never experienced this kind of thing, and he swear, he hated being in that kind of situation. As he peeked through the door, he saw Yamada was at the kitchen, his attention on the stove, smiling happily, his hands were working on the food on the stove.

Keito sensed something was wrong, but he just brushed it away, walking towards Yamada after he gathered all his courage to finally walk in front of him.

 

"Morning, Keito." Yamada greeted, eyes on the stove, still cooking.

"Morning." Keito replied. "What are you making?"

"Omelettes." Yamada answered while shifting his gaze from the stove to Keito, curving a small smile, "I put some extra seasonings there, you like it right?"

Keito nodded as he marched towards the dining table, "I'm okay with everything." he continued.

"As expected from a gorilla." Yamada chuckled as he garnished the omelettes with pepper, bringing it to to the dining table once it was done.

There were already two cups of coffee on the table that Yamada already prepared, still hot since it was just freshly brewed. "Yours." said Yamada as he placed the omelette in front of Keito. His omelette had more pepper and seasonings as he could see the difference on his and Yamada's plate, that was way too few for his taste.

Yamada sat opposite to him, sipping some coffee before eating the omelette that he just cooked. Keito stared at the omelette in front of him, contemplating why did he felt there was something wrong. Yamada was just at the kitchen, cooking...

_Kitchen? Cooking?_

"I didn't put any poison in there, don't worry." Yamada gave him a snickering smile as he chewed the omelette in his mouth.

"No, that's not it."

"What is it?" His eyes on Keito, curious on what was Keito going to say.

"You.. cooked just now, right? You didn't feel anything? Like shaking or something."

"THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT?!" cried Yamada as he bursted into laughter. He didn't expect that from Keito's mouth. "I'm alright, just a bit shivering here and there, no worries."

"Hmm, okay." Keito hummed as he sliced the omelette in front of him in big slices. "I'm just worried."

They ate in silence, both focusing on their food; Keito with the newspaper beside him, and Yamada with his omelette, he didn't even glance

to Keito's position, as if he was ignoring Keito.

Keito indulged himself with the news written on the newspaper, Yamada could listen 'Ooh', and 'Aah', escaped from his mouth. He didn't even notice that Yamada was glaring at him for a long time, there was something he wanted to say, but it won't go out from his throat; he was reluctant.

"Um, Keito?"

"Hmm?" Keito hummed as he sipped some coffee, his attention on Yamada again.

"I'm sorry about yesterday."

Keito choked. He never thought Yamada would remind him of yesterday.

"Eh, are you alright?!" Yamada panicked, his hand grabbed the nearest glass on the kitchen table and pour some water before handing out to the choking Keito, struggling to get his breath back.

_Oh shit, Yamada would know that he was nervous._

Yamada took both of Keito's hands into his, he muttered, "It's okay, I understand." His gaze on Keito, staring his eyes as if he was the most precious thing that he had in this entire world.

"I love you too."

Yamada tasted like his favourite coffee that he drank every morning, bittersweet and addicting, as Yamada pressed his lips against his, kissing him softly. He gripped both sides of Keito's bathrobe, as Keito caressed his hair, deepen the kiss. It was slow, pouring their love into the kiss, potraying their love.They don't need words to express what they feel about each other, the understanding that they had for the bond that they already built for years were enough to express their feelings without saying any words. Their presence and warmth are enough.

 

 

 


End file.
